My Grandmother

From time to time I have dreams about my Grandmother Summers. We spent all of the childhood we had, with her. I guess that's maybe why I feel so strongly attached to her house. It seemed like my safe house. I always knew what the rules were and I always knew she was there watching over me.

In most of my dreams she is gone. I guess the reality of that is strong enough in my mind that I can no longer dream her back into being. Many of my dreams result in my waking up with tears on my face. I can never quite remember them, but I know there was something of here there.

Last night's dream was similar in that, no matter how hard I try, I really can't remember it. The one thing I do remember is standing in her house and realizing that losing a Grandparent is one of those things you never completely get over. Not particularly when you have the close relationship we had.

There are things about her I remember like it was yesterday. I remember her hands, pinching at my clothes as I lay across her lap in her chair. Her laugh still comes to mind and I can see her smile when I close my eyes. If given the opportunity, I could map out every detail of her house and her things, right down to where her jewelry sat on her dresser in a box I was barely old enough to touch the last time I saw her.

Last night's dream was different in that, even after waking up, I couldn't shake the sadness of it all. Still now, hours after, I feel it weighing on me. Part of me knows it's the time of year for it. You see, 19 years ago this week she was gone, in the blink of an eye. I never got to say goodbye and for that I am part saddened and part grateful. Let me make it clear, I loved and still love my Grandmother. But, the state she was in during her final hours is not a way I ever want to remember her, so I'm glad I didn't go into the hospital room and see her under all the tubes and equipment. Still, I wish I had been able to hold her hand once more and know.

It is now though, 19 years later, as I said and this time of year always brings sadness. I lost both of my Grandparents 6 years apart in the same week. Now, I'm preparing to lose another. I know it's only a matter of time before I get the call that we've lost my mom's dad. I ache for the relationship we didn't have, as we weren't close to him. And, I feel relief in knowing that when he goes there will be no more suffering or confusion on his part, as he suffers with dementia.

Maybe, that's why my Grandmother has paid me a visit. Perhaps it's not because of the memory of what was but it's to prepare me for what's ahead. Could it be that after all these years, she's coming to welcome my Grandfather home? I guess only time will tell. But, time can not take away the knowledge that she watches over me, always.